Beneath the Stars by Emily McIntire

Author:Emily McIntire
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2020-08-31T16:00:00+00:00

Journal Entry #320

I was in first grade the first time a teacher noticed something wasn’t right at home. Mrs. Grady was her name. She’d always pull me aside and ask me questions about my life. I was so starved for attention I ate it up like candy, thinking she just liked me enough to want to know.

The day CPS knocked on our door also happened to be the day I brought home my first official “report card.” All A’s. Mrs. Grady told me how proud she was of me and I thought surely if she was proud, how could mom not be? I raced off the bus, excited to show her, but when I walked into the house there were strange people there. Mom had a big smile plastered on her face and she ushered me in, hands on my shoulders as she introduced me to them. I don’t remember their names, only their eyes as they cataloged me from my worn shoes all the way up to the buzzed hair on my head. They made me uncomfortable and I leaned into my mom for support. She squeezed my shoulders, the grip bruising.

Once they left, the smile dropped and her eyes lost all their warmth. Told me how embarrassed I made her. That it was my fault she was like this in the first place. How if I wasn’t around she wouldn’t need to medicate so much, and how dare I try to paint her as the problem. That maybe if I was a better son, I’d work a little harder at lightening her load.

For a fucking six-year-old, that shit hits you deep. Forms scars you carry with you for the rest of your life. I cried in my room that night, lying in bed with my report card on my pillow catching my tears.

It took… a long fucking time to realize the way she was wasn’t my fault. So many relationships ruined and so much time lost from believing her lies. From carrying responsibility that was never meant to be mine.

Parent’s words become their children’s inner voice.

It’s a hell of a thing, learning to ignore it.

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